Tag Archives: emotional intelligence

11 Jul

Emotional Intelligence, Stress and Emotions

hands of people sitting at a wooden table taking notes

The Power of Psychosocial stress

We often think of outside factors as stress inducers, for example – sitting in traffic, job changes or moving. But psychosocial stress (as in stress in relationships) is cited as one of the top stressors for people when it comes to emotional stress. What research shows is that what people think you of and how you interact with them sometimes really does matter.

Exchanges that are uncomfortable like direct conflict, situations that leave your wondering if you responded correctly, or situations that leave you worrying where you stand with that person can tax your mind and body. Awkward or uncomfortable situations can also lead to more conflict, misunderstandings, and stand-offs, leaving you feel anxious or depressed.

Your body has a natural way of responding to stress, sometimes boldly (for example somatic responses like sudden pain in your stomach or back), or sometimes in more subtle ways (for example, a sudden questioning of self-worth). Other signs that stress is impacting you can be changes in sleep or eating, changes in mood, or losing your temper over small things. Also having an inexplicable lethargy and general lack of motivation, might be signs that someone or some situation is taxing you.   

How does Emotional Intelligence help with the resolution of conflict?  

“Emotional intelligence means being able to read your own and other’s emotions and being able to respond to the emotions of others in a cooperative, functional, and empathetic manner”.

                                                               John Gottman, Ph.D., The Gottman Institute

 

Responding to people and situations is normal for us. We are engaged with the world around us and are permeable as humans; things are bound to impact us. Believe it or not, practicing self-care in those uncomfortable moments is one of the best way to help yourself. The self-care skills here are about learning to regulate your emotions. In other words, be in control of them, not have them hijack you or the situation. Taking charge of our emotions can feel quite contradictory to our instincts, which often tell us to keep doing what we have always done in these type of situations, keep fighting – physically, verbally or psychologically to prove we are right or because of that script playing in our head that says we need to defend ourselves. Those thoughts are often due to fear, which can actually elicit unfounded beliefs. Often, we continue to engage and champion the cause, pushing to make sure we are right and heard. But research in social and emotional intelligence actually shows that practicing vital emotional intelligence skills like empathy, understanding, and patience and are actually better for your mind and body. They allow you to become more aware of your thoughts and responses and in turn, allow you to better control your behavior. They also impact the outcome of conflict in a more positive way.  As counterintuitive as these concepts feel in the moment, approaching the relationship from this perspective can not only make you feel better but also help prevent a negative outcome. Compassion and understanding are also precursors to compromise, which in marriage is a key factor to success.  

“Emotional Intelligence is the measure of an individual’s abilities to recognize and manage their emotions and the emotions of other people, both individually and in groups”.

                                                               TheSkillsYouNeed.com

 

7 ways to handle emotional stress

Take a break. Not forever, just from the situation in that moment. Walk away when things get heated or super uncomfortable.  Break up the tension and go for a walk or ask to “sleep on it” before the yelling starts or before you start to say things you will later apologize for. Give yourself and the other person a change of pace and a chance for a fresh perspective.

Channel your energy through another outlet. Try talking to a friend that can be neutral, supportive and objective. Or try writing things out in a journal. Just write, don’t edit, and get as much out as you can.

Practice mindfulness. This is about taking quiet moments to reflect and think. No, you do not need to sit cross-legged, with palms up chanting “Om” (you can if you want :^) This is more about developing an awareness of your thought process. Learning what triggers you and why, simply by reflecting about it. Observing your thoughts and reactions with curiosity not judgment is a great way to support yourself.

Go for a walk or workout.  Sounds like a distraction but actually exercise has been clinically proven to help with depression and changes in mood. Raising your heart rate pumps blood through your body and into your brain, releasing endorphins, which kicks off a whole other series of chemical responses in your brain. It may not solve the issue itself, but the minute you start working out, you are practicing great self-care by helping your body diffuse the stress and tension out of your body.

Try to dialogue vs. debate. When you return to the conversation, make sure you are both in a calm state. Instead of trying to win the battle and lose the war, try pursuing a dialogue vs. another heated debate. Become a good listener and practice compassion. If what is being said is a trigger for your, don’t say anything, but try really listening from the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Repeat back what they are saying in an understanding way. Then just sit with that. Don’t judge. Keep the dialogue going in an open manner and look for something you can take with you as a learning lesson.

Think before you speak. Why you are engaging with such passion or rigidity to what the person is saying? Do you really need to say it in a way that will be perceived as hurtful or insulting? What can you gain from engaging in battle? Is this topic worth the fight? Is there another way to hold your position and not hurt the other person in the process?

Look from an accountability perspective. What will be the outcome of what you are doing and/or saying? What will you be accountable for in this situation? Is the topic worth fighting over? Is there another way to resolve it or say what you need to say in less harming way?

Next time you find yourself getting heated, try one of these techniques to move towards peace of mind.


Resources:

The Institute for Social and Emotional Intelligence

Types of Stress and Their Symptoms 

Emotional Signs of Too Much Stress

5 Ways to Cope With Emotional Stress 

Tap Into Your Emotional Intelligence to Resolve Conflict

Empathy is the Key to Conflict Resolution or Management 

6 Brilliant Things People With Emotional Intelligence Do Under Pressure

Evolve As A Leader: Top 11 Emotional Intelligence Skills For Improved Business Performance

 

28 Aug

8 Must Reads for Starting a Coaching Business

picture of flowers, book, and a cup of tea

As a Life Coach, I can safely say I have read a lot of books- to not only learn about the necessary skills required for life coaching, but also to learn how to set up an online business. I have found that there are so many more skills needed to craft your art as a coach besides getting certified and setting up a website! Honestly there have been very few reads that I found helpful and would recommend. The ones I love, I’ve listed here to help you on your journey of entrepreneurship as a coach or consultant.

Enjoy!

 

  • 2. SuperCoach: 10 Secrets to Transform Anyone’s Life
    by Michael Neillsupercoach

    I recently signed up for Michael Neill’s online newsletter because I find his material so positive and inspirational. This next book is one I will actually buy as a gift for other coaches because it offers such a great perspective from an experienced master in the industry.

 

 

 

 

 

  • 6. Beyond Goals: Effective Strategies for Coaching and Mentoring
    by Susan David, Ph.D, David Clutterbuck, and David Megginson

    cover beyond goals
    I also discovered Susan David on Youtube, much to my surprise. I was looking for subject matter on emotions and up popped her TED talk about emotional agility and resilience.Millions of global views later, she is becoming one of the leading voices in Emotional Intelligence as a psychologist, author, speaker and researcher.  I am so pleased to see her voice, wisdom and research being heard.  Way to go Susan!Watch the TED talk, The gift and power of emotional courage, on YouTube.

 

And there’s the list! And I’m sure there are so many more books to add to this list. If you have some you’d like to share, feel free to add them in the comment section below.

09 Aug

12 Must-Reads for Starting an Online Business

12 great must-reads for starting online business

I can safely say I have read a lot of books since I started my online business. Most were not that useful, but there have been a few that stood out.  And they are not just good, they are great.

I’ll go ahead and plug Kindle too for all the readers like me, that read in bulk! Being able to download quantities of books with a simple click of a button, and at a reasonable price is just amazing!

1. Building a Website for Dummies
By David A. Crowder

cover for building a website for dummies

I love this first book because the “Dummies” books are so straightforward. Don’t be embarrassed to buy one! They are easy to read and full of foundational information, needed to start a business. Every time I read one, I think “oh of course, I need to remember that”. Like YouTube.com videos, they seem to have a “Dummies” book for everything now!

Here’s what I found out about author David Crowder in short bio on Barnes & Noble:

“David A. Crowder has authored or coauthored more than 20 books on subjects ranging from computers to historical mysteries, including popular bestsellers such as Building a Web Site For Dummies and CliffsNotes Getting on the Internet”.

                                                                        ~Barnes&Noble.com

2. Internet Marketing Made Easy
By Brian T. Edmondson/Internet Income Coach

cover of Brian Edmonton's book Internet Marketing Made Easy

Brian T Edmondson is one of my favorite authors and consultants. He is also one of my influencers. I’ve bought his trainings, listened to his interviews and have been personally coached by him. Not only is he a really nice guy, he offers great advice and support. His smarts and expertise really shine through. His books are always on my lists! In addition to offering books and coaching, he also offers programs that are clear, effective and strategic for marketing online businesses. For more information about Brian Edmondson check out his website InternetIncomeCoach.com.

 

 

3. Content Marketing Secrets: How to Create, Promote, and Optimize Your Content for Growth and Revenue
By Marc Guberti

cover of Content Marketing Secrets book by Guberti

I love books like this one that have a title that reflect exactly what the content is inside. Marc is another one of my favorites and one of my influencers. If you don’t know who he is, Marc is young and wrote 19 books in a very short time period and became very successful. Just the volume of work he turns out is amazing. I find his journey and work inspirational. His books are a big part of my collection and super easy to read. You can sometimes find him online in those summits they offer for online businesses. He’s also fun to follow on social media! You can find out more information about Marc Guberti by visiting his About Me page on his website.

 

 

4. The Power of Broke: How Empty Pockets, a Tight Budget, and a Hunger for Success Can Become Your Greatest Competitive Advantage
By Daymond John

cover for power of broke by daymond john

My third favorite influencer in this list is Daymond John. I learned about him on the show “Shark Tank”. Then I found one of the Marie Forleo interviews he did on YouTube.

And started following him on Twitter. Now I read his books and seek out interviews where he is featured. A very wise man and super smart businessman!

 

 

 

5. Small Business Financial Management Kit for Dummies
By Tage C. Tracy

cover of small business management for dummies

I know another “Dummies” book is coming but can you blame me? These books are not only great, they are so needed when you are just getting started. And they are clearly written, often by experts that can really lay out important things. If you want to make sure you are covering all of your bases for building the foundation for your business, this is another good one. I can’t tell you how many people start online businesses and have never created a budget or a business plan. This is a great place to start!

This guy is super interesting because his expertise is way outside of my wheel house! And to prove my theory that “Dummies” books are actually written by experts:

“Tracy has operated a financial consulting service firm during the past twenty (20) years focused on providing executive level accounting, financial, & strategic business planning management support on a project or interim basis”.

~Amazon.com bio

 

6. How to Sell Anything to Anybody
By Joe Girard

cover of how to sell anything to anybody
I can’t offer a collection of readings without listing at least one classic favorite. Anyone in sales knows who Joe Girard is. You can also find YouTube.com videos and his other materials on Amazon.com. He offers the basic mindset needed for selling along with the psychology behind it. If you don’t know him, he made the Guinness Book of World Records for selling 13, 001 cars at a Chevy Dealership! For more info about Joe Girard check out his Biography page on his website.

 

 

7. Schedule Your Dream: 8 Steps to Maximizing Your Time and Mobilizing Your Vision
By Liane R. Grant

Cover of Schedule your Dreams
This next one is a fun discovery I found surfing books on Amazon.com. I think time and project management are under appreciated in the world of entrepreneurship. Books like this can help with identifying needs and help you prioritize.

From Amazon’s description Liane “has a knack for finding the most efficient way to accomplish a task with excellence. Her experience in fulfilling multiple roles has helped her hone her planning and productivity skills into a highly efficient personal time management system. Liane has always loved words, which led her to a B.A. and M.A. in Translation later in life, and she is now doing doctoral research in translation. Liane is an OTTIAQ-certified translator, founder and overseer of The King’s Translators, Secretary of the UPCI French Literature Cooperative, and Curriculum Administrator for Purpose Institute.”

 

8. The Productive Person: A how-to guide filled with productivity hacks & daily schedules for entrepreneurs, students or anyone struggling with work-life boundaries
By Chandler Bolt & James Roper

Cover of the Productive Person
You might recognize Chandler’s name from a series of YouTube commercials he has put out (he’s the good-looking guy standing on the balcony of a cool skyscraper in San Francisco). His words and advice are effective and strategic. He and his partner offer great advice and important tools for new business owners.

 

 

 

9. To-Do List Formula: A Stress-Free Guide to Creating To-Do Lists That Work!
By Damon Zahariades

to-do-list-formula-cover
Much to my surprise, this book has become one of my favorites. Maybe it’s because I am such a fan of “to-do” lists so it’s nice to see someone utilizing that concept from a project management perspective. Maybe someone will write a book on how successful Post-Its make people . . . To learn more about Damon Zahariades other books and how to improve your productivity, explore his Art of Productivity website.

 

 

10. Emotional Intelligence 2.0
By Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves

cover of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book

Since I became certified as a Social and Emotional Intelligence Coach I’ve fallen in love with this subject (go to www.ISEI.com for more information about certification programs). This is a foundational “must-have” if you want to learn about this topic. Anyone can use the tools and skills sets outlined here. Here’s a great YouTube video of a TEDxUCIrvine talk with coauthor Dr Travis Bradberry about The Power of Emotional Intelligence where he shows you how to use this skill.

 

 

11. The $100 Startup
By Chris Guillebeau

Cover of the $100 start up
Chris Guillebeau was another surprising find for me. He is a non-fiction author, blogger and speaker and has traveled all over the world. I’ve read a couple of his books and his writing style is so free and relaxed I found myself reading his books more than once. It almost felt like I was on vacation! Great information for entrepreneurs and those new to starting a business.

 

 

 

12. The E Myth: Why Most Small Businesses Don’t Work and What to Do About it
By Michael E. Gerber

Cover of E Myth book

I fell in love with Michael Gerber’s work 15 years ago when I was working for a company that was trying to go from a small size to a mid-size organization but was actually going bankrupt. The book totally helped me understand what was happening. The model he uses to describe business growth is so easy to understand and helps make sense of the growth strategies that are needed for any business.

If you have a book or two that you would like to recommend, feel free to write in the comment section below or shoot me an email.Thanks for reading!

13 Oct

6 Attributes to Help Parents Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children

What is it emotional intelligence?

“Emotional intelligence means being able to read your own and other’s emotions, and being able to respond to the emotions of others in a cooperative, functional, and empathetic manner. Emotional intelligence is a kind of social “moxie” or “savvy” about even very complex social situations. It requires knowing who you are, knowing your own feelings, knowing your own needs, and being able to handle yourself and compromise these needs with the needs of sometimes very complex social situations.”
John Gottman, Ph.D., The Gottman Institute

 

What are some of the skills needed raise emotionally intelligent children?

Awareness, empathy, compassion, patience, validation and respect to name a few, are valuable and necessary attributes, and are skills that teach children how to maneuver and manage their emotions while in relationship with others. Research has shown that children exhibiting these skills are more likely to succeed in the world more so than a child with a high IQ and good academic record.

With all of these attributes, as with values and emotions, it helps to talk with children about them, as well as, model them. Dialogue teaches children how to put words to their internal emotional world and that is empowering. It’s also important for healthy development. Modeling the behavior shows the child tangible actions associated with the concept, which they can then try out in their behavior. This is important since children’s brains are still developing.

A note about the learning process in children: parents often say, “I kept having to repeat myself” Believe it or not, that a normal part of development in children. A repetition of concepts is one way we learn. But if you’re child still just doesn’t seem to be getting it, it might be the way it’s being presented. Each child learns differently. Some children learn by seeing (visually), some by hearing (auditory) and some learn kinesthetically (both). Try out different ways to explain something. It’s the difference between watching a video about a sport vs. reading about it vs. trying it out. Take the challenge and find out how best your child learns!

1. Awareness about emotions. It’s bringing a consciousness and a presence to the emotional experience of the child (and sometimes for parents too!) For example, it might be helping a child gain awareness that things will not be “fixed” like they thought. This might include talking about what this different outcome feels like for them. Many children need help making transitions, so this is an added step to help that process. Awareness is an “open” experience, and an invitation to explore emotions. It is not an attempt to deflect, dismiss or control a child’s feelings, or creates an outcome.

2. Compassion defined as “a deep feeling of sympathy”. A necessary skill is for the adult to be able to tap into the emotions of the child. A parent needs to be emotionally available to model compassion. Saying things like “I’m sorry to hear that is happening”. Or “I’m so happy for you”. Or “that sounds like you are excited about that trip” can be invitations to discuss what is happening. One goal is to define in words what the experience is they are feeling. Another goal is simply to be present and engaged, with an open mind and heart towards your child and their experience. The idea is to try and feel what they are feeling in that moment and reflect that back to them.

(Compassion, empathy and awareness can also be applied to our own experience as parents, as we wonder about all the things we should be saying, or our desire to fix it, or our attempt to suppress the feelings of judgment or intolerance at that moment. Buddhist theory teaches that we must first have compassion for ourselves before we can have it for others. So be patient and kind to both of you!)

3. Empathy: defined as “the experiencing of someone else’s thoughts or feelings”. There has been a lot written about the importance of children developing empathy. Modeling empathy to your child is the best way to teach a child about what empathy is. Check in with your child with phrases like: “I hear that what she said really hurt your feelings” or “that sounds like such a great time you had”. Responses like these (without a parental fix at the end of the statement) offer a feeling of unconditional support to your child. That is a quality in empathy. These can be simple dialogues, yet they are critical to a child’s development, because children will, in turn, try out those comments on others to build the skills. Children also need to understand what it feels like and be able to differentiate it from other internal experiences they have, like compassion, sadness or apathy.

4. Patience: If you are naturally calm and patient, you are lucky because sometimes this is hard thing to muster when working with a child. One definition of this is “the ability to suppress restlessness”, something kids need a lot of help with! Patience is great to model because it gives the child the experience of what it feels like to wait, while experiencing calmness and excitement. Calmness is a critical tool when working to harness emotions. Calmness and emotional regulation also go together. Emotional regulation cannot happen without some ability to be mindful and calm oneself. Modeling patience is a vital step in the child’s development; as they see and hear someone else calmly put into words their experience while providing structure -not only to the situation but to their internal emotional world. By experiencing this, children can then internalize that and learn how to use these qualities as a skill. Children also feel safe when adults are calm. As a result, they are more open to learn, and can learn how to regulate their emotions, and be patient with others, yeh!

5. Validation: When a child is really heard, understood and supported, their view of themself and the world around them are validated. It’s not just about a child’s developing ego; it’s also about their identity formation. The message they should be receiving is that they are enough just the way they are, even if they don’t get straight A’s. And if they do get great grades, there is still so much more to who they are which is all good stuff. These types of conversations are also about parents having an opportunity to tell their children that they are important, loved, unique and have something of value to offer the world. Children need to hear that who they are as human beings is ok. It’s critical to healthy development.

6. Respect:

The best way to explain what respect is is to show a child. This is respect for oneself and respect for others. Respect can be modeled in dialogue and behavior. How do you respect yourself? How do you respect your child? Talk with your child about who you respect and why. Or name a respectful action when your child acts in a thoughtful way. An example is the art of apologizing. An apology is actually an act of respect when done sincerely. It is another important skill set to incorporate into their identity. Apologizing helps children learn what is them (ego) and what is “other” (other people outside of themselves). This will help them make a distinction about what things they should or should not say or do, which is directly related to moral development and choices they will make down the road.

 

The development of a child clearly is a complex process. Incorporating traits such as these, not only can empower you as a parent but help children learn what values and morals are, so they will, not only be more likely to make good decisions, but also like themselves!

*A note about yelling: Studies show that when someone yells and gets upset emotionally, often what is being said gets lost. Instead what the person being yelled at remembers is the other person’s anger towards them and the fear they experienced at that moment. For a child, it creates stress in the child, making it hard for the child to learn, feel safe and regulate their emotions. This, not only, can affect memory, behavior and academic performance but also creates negative emotions like fear, hostility and defiance. Bottom line: if you want your children to develop emotionally healthy habits, and be emotionally healthy, model the behavior you want to see.

Parent exercise: How are your listening skills?

Take 15 minutes and sit down with your child, or go for a walk and listen – to them. The goal is to listen with an open mind and in a space of non-judgment modeling the skills listed above. Ask open-ended questions, get really interested in what they are saying and let them talk.

This exercise also models really great listening skills, which teaches your child how to listen. They et the experience internally of what it feels like to speak their truth, to say what they really want to say without someone taking over their emotional or thoughts in that moment. Good listening gives them the experience to truly be who they are and be free of judgment or ridicule. This is a necessary experience for children to develop confidence and a strong identity. It’s also an incredibly respectful and loving way to be with your child.


RESOURCES:

National Association for the Education of Young Children: Building Social and Emotional Skills at Home

The Gottman Institute: Fostering Emotionally Intelligent Children, Families and Communities[PDF]
by John Gottman

EmoSocial.com: Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Emotion Coaching – Part 1

Books:

Touchpoints by T Berry Brazelton, M.D.

The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant, Symbiosis and Individuation by Margaret S. Mahler, M.D.

Emotional Intelligence, Why it can matter more than IQ by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D.

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